an (insulting) guide to places in the UK
i'm sorry
I’m going on tour with my live show ‘clout’! There are nearly 40 dates which is too many dates! I stopped counting when it got to 30 because it made me feel like I was going to have a panic attack!
To commemorate this, I thought I’d play a little game where I write one or two sentences about each place I’m travelling to without doing any research on the subject. It’s like word association but instead of a fun way to pass a long drive, or an interesting deep dive into the psyche, this will cost me thousands in people saying ‘Newcastle is more than Greggs, she can fuck off I’m not buying a ticket for her tour’.
Maul me in the comments please, while also letting me know of any good vegan restaurants because I’d like dinner and brunch in every place I go to. For god’s sake give me dinner and brunch.
‘Lets get mortal’ I shout while going to Greggs (I wasn’t exaggerating, that is what I think of and I have to be true to my Mind’s Eye). Someone told me there’s a Gregg’s champagne bar in Newcastle so see you there for dinner. And brunch.
A man saying ‘no you can’t come and study English Literature at our university’ because I panicked and told him I hadn’t read any books. I meant Classics (I went to a state school and didn’t realise you were meant to read fancy books in preparation) and to be honest, considering how much I hated 90% of Classics when I did English Literature in Durham, it’s probably a good thing I didn’t get into Oxford. Still, I will never forget the look of utter disdain on his face.
Another man who would have said ‘no you can’t come and study at our university’ because I would have panicked and told him I hadn’t read any books. But in this scenario, we are both punting.
Going to see my Nanna and Grandad and my Grandma and Grandad (my family are all from Liverpool).
So beautiful, so quaint, everyone is called Beryl. Cobbles? The streets are smooth, but everyone is called Beryl Cobbles.
Nonstop partying and hard drugs. This may be overshadowed by the fact I went to visit my friend there at uni and I won’t be discussing what everyone was doing but it definitely wasn’t not hard drugs.
Everyone talks in Shakespearean language and plays a pipe - I think I got this from the ‘Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio’ bit in Hamlet, because ‘Yorick’ rhymes with Warwick. IN YOUR FACE, OXFORD.
Everyone is a cool art student who works for the BBC. Yes, both of those things are occurring in everyone’s lives simultaneously.
How awful is this: I’ve never been to Birmingham. I used to be obsessed with the spaghetti junction when I was little to the extent that I would point at any crossing and ask if it was the spaghetti junction. So I guess that’s how I see it: one massive spaghetti junction. Still haven’t actually seen it. Can’t fucking wait. Also can’t fucking drive, so no idea how I’m going to see the spaghetti junction.
Winding streets and pubs called things like The Jolly Pirate’s Arse.
Covered in boats. Can’t hear yourself think over ship horns. A lot of moustaches (on the boats).
Also covered in boats, but VERY DIFFERENT to Portsmouth. Not Portsmouth at all. A lot of beards, rather than moustaches (on the boats). I just typoed and wrote bears instead of beards, so there are a lot of bears on the boats too. Why not.
Used to go to Afflecks Palace and buy skull rings, Linkin Park hoodies and incredibly wide purple cord flares. That’s not relevant sorry, I just got lost in nostalgia: okay, redbrick buildings, Oasis, it’s constantly raining and there’s a tram. That’s Manchester, right?
I want to say Robin Hood. God I want to google it because I’m 90% sure Robin Hood is a Nottingham thing, but I’ll be mortified if it isn’t. Fine, I’ll double down, the venue will be up a tree manned by a rooster playing the banjo (I’ve only seen the Disney version of Robin Hood).
Does it have a burgeoning music scene and lots of alt people hanging out near entrances to gig venues called things like Klonk? Either that or there’s lots of wheat fields. I think this is another unimaginative word-link of the ‘field’ in ‘Sheffield’. (To be spoken sadly) You were right, Oxford.
Working docks and lots of men who look like Billy Connolly laughing and slapping each other on the back. I went there for a day and saw men laughing and slapping each other on the back, you understand. I also went to a fantastic Japanese restaurant so I’ll also say that.
Brutalist buildings and lots of ducks. When I think of Aberdeen I think of ducks beaks, you do the math yeah?
Rolling hills, no roads, lots of bats (?) and mountains. It’s basically, to me, like Wales but in England - is that bad to say? Sorry to everyone in Wales and Norwich.
I’ve been too many times to sum it up in a sentence so let’s just say: fringe.
Lots of people use Reading as a punchline in terms of it not being an exciting place to live but I think of it as a vast metropolis of libraries. Which sounds pretty exciting to me.
Obviously all I can think of is a lake. Is it like Lake Como? I’ve never been to Lake Como so this question is moot. Sorry Poole, I’ve let you down.
White university buildings full of white people called Polly ‘reading English Lit’. Big houses? Sorry Exeter, I’ve let you down.
Every street is a crescent and all the buildings are made of marble. They also have taps on them. All the buildings are little baths, is what I seem to be getting at here.
Streets and streets of restaurants. When I think of Leicester all I think of is restaurants, even though I’ve only been once and I didn’t go to/see a restaurant.
That TV show in the 00s Sugar Rush really made an impression on me, so I think of brooding lesbians looking out over the pier. I will never not think of that.
All I can muster is the colour mauve. I have no idea what the town/city/place is like at all, just the vague sense of a purple tone.
Christ, nothing comes to mind at all, in any way, not even a colour. Maybe I’m flagging? Fuck me, this tour is long.
Help.*
*No shade on/to/at Northampton, I’m just really struggling to visualise anything due to Length Of Tour Fear.
Everybody lives in a large castle like a medieval knight and there are monuments to Gareth Bale wherever you look. OK, she’s back. Bale brought me back from the brink.
I perform for the Archbishop and his friends who are all wearing variously sized coned hats. Afterwards, I have dinner with the Archbishop and his coned hat friends where they tell me about the Lord.
Might as well end with Student Me, sporting clown nose red hair out of a Schwarzkopff bottle, running up and down the streets in seven inch heels and pearls (it was the mid 00s, everyone dressed like an indie sleaze grandma) drunk out of my mind on five pound wine, crying because I’d done some thing stupid again.
Bit of fun right? Bit of fun.
If you saw my show and liked it, I would be so grateful if you could tell friends who live in places (Poole) to come see it; some would say I’ve booked too many venues. Some would say this could be a bit embarrassing. Not me of course, I’m just speculating.
EDIT: I forgot London hahahahahah that might be the first time in the history of the world someone has forgot London on their tour, or for anything. Love that for me, actually.
FURTHER EDIT: I made up that I’m coming to York and forgot to put Norwich on the list. Also I’ve been advised it would have made more sense to put the dates I’m visiting each place, and have had them in order, but this is my Substack okay? Leave me alone I work very hard and am a personable woman.
In oxford, you should go to either the Punter pub (tucked away by the river) or the Oxford Blue (great vegan pizza). Or Green Routes if you happen to be around for brunch.
I'm sorry about the disdainful man! As someone who grew up here I feel vaguely responsible by association, even though my only connection to the uni is waitressing there as a teenager and dropping potatoes on one of the dons
Norfolk. Very flat. cf Noel Coward. Definitely no mountains