Q&A

or Q&Ah the narcissism of the internet

If you want to see my show clout next weekend, the Soho Theatre are doing a Black Friday deal this weekend for loads of their shows where you get 30% off so grab the last few tickets here

Due to outrageous generosity/egotism, I opened this week’s post out to the floor (as in, I asked people on Instagram to ask me questions) so imagine I’m on a stool wearing a black polo neck jumper (turtleneck, if you’re an American) (golf, if you’re Polish) (I didn’t make that up, it’s actually called golf in Poland). Also please imagine I’m doing the thing where people clasp their hands together like they’re praying while shaking them up and down a lot. I’ve not described that well, so here’s an image.

Do you think the Wallace and Gromit film will be good

Not to exaggerate, but if it’s not good then Christmas will be ruined, the week after will be ruined, and also a large portion of the rest of my life will be ruined because I could sink into a deep depression. I’m already close to the edge as it is. Last week I came out of Gladiator 2 and got so passionate on the bus home about how ‘people are being fed slop so now they’re starting to think slop is what a film is’ and how ‘all the creative industries are getting their souls ripped asunder’ that I got tears in my eyes.

It wasn’t even that bad a film, it was just ‘fine’ but Gladiator has a special place in my heart because me and mum watched it when I was 15 and at one point we both found ourselves on the floor of the living room sobbing and laughing at how much we were sobbing. Every time I hear the music I get a lump in my throat, so when I heard snatches of the music in this textureless cold lump of a sequel, it felt like a microcosm of so many things that have been upsetting me recently that I just let loose. I mean I used the word ‘asunder’ for god’s sake (incorrectly, on reflection). All this to say: I hope Wallace and Gromit is good, yeah.

What is it like doing voiceovers for adverts?

This is such a good question that I’m going to do an entire substack post about it next week so there. What an aggressive way to end that answer. So thank you!

Are you still ‘veggan’? I’m considering the same because chickens makes eggs all the time and my pals have hens??

Yes I eat eggs, and yes I try to only eat local eggs from a farm shop the fancy cafe near me stocks and they’re only £2 for six which is cheaper than a pack of Burford Browns. I also try not to eat mayonnaise and egg-based goods outside of my own egg-cooking but sometimes you’re in a petrol station neat Thetford and starving and the only available option is an egg mayo sandwich.

Meat doesn’t require any willpower because I’ve been vegetarian for so long that someone eating meat is, to me, like someone eating wood. Totally inedible as a concept. Fried eggs on toast for breakfast that are fresh from a local chicken’s arse, though? Sure.

Would you go on Bluesky?

I gave it a go for a week but then someone annoyed me about Gladiator 2 and I realised I just don’t want to do it anymore. Even when Twitter was ‘good’ I was addicted and would get annoyed at stuff. I hate the insecurity around social media platforms now, though. At any point, the algorithms could change or a feature could be introduced that decimates both your audience and everything you’ve so carefully created. Like some tech bro sauntering into your office and ripping a sketchbook out of your hands mid-sketch. Oh, thanks, I’ll try putting those sketches on mastodon now shall I? Cool.

What are your face foods and can you access them while gigging?

Roast dinners, chilli, a good hearty falafel and houmous wrap the length of a child’s arm, bolognese, dip (any dip at all), nachos. God I love nachos so much, but only if there’s an adequate amount of sauce (to avoid any bald chos). Lack of sauce is one of the great tragedies of mass produced Tex Mex and I’d do a TED Talk on it if they’d let me. Which they won’t, because it’s a terrible topic for a TED Talk.

One of my least favourite things about gigging - apart from travelling for ages to perform to twelve people who thought you were Steve Martin etc - is that you often can’t get good food without going to wild lengths. I got Pho delivered to the train platform moments before departure in Bristol once, but they hadn’t provided cutlery (and there was none on the train due to the crumbling of British infrastructure) so I had to use my eyeliner and lipliner as chopsticks which didn’t work so I ended up drinking it with a very wide mouth in order to catch the chunky bits and ruining both the eyeliner and lipliner. Not sure if this answers your question.

What are you most proud of in life?

I did therapy basically every week from 2017 to 2024. It completely changed my entire life, my relationship to work, to my friends, to my partner and I’m sure I’ll do it again in the future. For now, though, I’ve finally got enough confidence to steer the ship by myself for a bit. Unless I go and see Gladiator 2, of course.

Is there a creative avenue you’d like to try but haven’t?

Believe it or not, my entire career so far is built on procrastination for novel writing. All I’ve ever wanted to do is write a novel, and the only thing I’ve not done is write a novel. As it turns out, I really enjoy the inadvertent distraction-career I’ve invented for myself and it’s possibly much more suited to me: I can’t stand samey days (like, for example, sitting in a room on your own writing a novel) and need constant reassurance from someone else that the thing I’m doing is okay (something you don’t get, for example, sitting in a room on your own writing a novel).

Maybe it’s something I do in my forties after I’ve fully burned myself out from the heady flames of #content.

I think I’ve heard you say that you put your tortoise in a freezer to hibernate. I need to know more.

To be clear, Dr Alison Parker hibernates in a fridge as monitored by a tortoise expert who gave up the exotic pet veterinary life and now runs a tortoise hotel in the middle of the countryside. To be clear.

Sadly, because she was very unwell last year (and is still healing, because it takes forty times longer for a tortoise to do anything) she probably won’t be able to hibernate anymore. She just goes very quiet and slow and currently appears very much like you’d imagine a tortoise to be, whereas in summer she shoots around the house like she’s been fired from a nerf gun.

Will DMs Are Open be back?

This is a reference to the Radio 4 sketch show I host where anyone can submit sketches for me and a really amazing cast to perform live. I don’t think I’m allowed to say whether it’s coming back (with me as the host), but I also don’t think anyone will fire me for saying ‘yes - in February’ so let’s see???

You are hired to write a horror novel. What would your book be about?

Doppelgangers. And maybe there’s a moth involved because my god I hate them. Have I written about the time a moth flew up my pyjama bottoms and I wasn’t wearing pants and I was running around my childhood bedroom screaming IT’S IN ME and my dad had to come and get the moth out of the bedroom and I was 35 years old? Well I have now.

Who were your comedy influences?

My comedy influences still remain: the film Airplane!, The Goon Show, French and Saunders, all of Carrie Fisher’s books, Mitchell and Webb, my mum and Reeves and Mortimer. Lot of double acts amid the films and books there. Starting to see why I don’t enjoy doing my solo shows as much as I enjoy doing stuff with other people. I do enjoy it, btw, I just prefer being in a fun gang so it’s not quite so lonely and intense (for I am an intense person).

Are you ever going to bring back Nobody Panic?

We tried to do a Christmas special, but on the one date Tessa was back from her job in Prague I got a job in Wales which is a microcosm of the entire situation. Hopefully next year it will make a comeback!

Do you have any time management tips?

Love an advice-based question! I’d say my time management is moderate; I’m rarely late to things and I get stuff done, but I also get lost in the sludge of between 2pm and 5pm and sometimes turn up to things on the wrong date at the right time.

The biggest tip I could give is: phone alarms. If you’re someone who gets surprised when you’re late to leave the house then set phone alarms with half an hour, fifteen minutes and maybe five minutes to go. That way you’re annoyed, but not surprised. And also, don’t have multiple appointments diaries and apps, because it’s impossible to keep up with them all. Just have one. And the pomodoro technique is fine if you’re a tomato.

Would you ever go on Taskmaster?

Obviously???? Although I would probably be one of those contestants who loves it so much they laugh constantly like an idiot in the studio bits and cry when it’s over so maybe it’s for the best I’ve not been asked.

Normal service resumes next week where I’ll probably do something about voiceovers. Thanks to everyone who asked a question and sorry I didn’t answer them all - it would have made the post too long because I got 4.3 million responses.