A few months ago I went to see my friend Amy Annette do her very funny tour show and got the time wrong. This wasn’t on me, by the way, because there were actually quite a few prospective audience members hovering around the door like moths to the comedy flame, saying such unfinished sentences as ‘Oh I thought it was…’ and ‘Is it not….’ and ‘ohh it might be doors at 7.30, rather than…’
I ended up at the bar with a woman called Gemma so we had a wine before the show, which was lovely. I learned that she works in branding and has been to some good wine tasting events at various wineries around the UK, also that she has very different interior design taste to her partner. When we started filing into the show, she ran into some friends and I didn’t want to crash their night so backed into a seat right at the front while doing this weird bowing thing like Friar Tuck and never saw her again. If you’re reading this Gemma, I did want to hang out more, I simply panicked.
Another thing we spoke about was The Grid. At the start of the year, she’d made a grid of things she wanted to achieve before 2025 was out. I’m sure you’ve all heard of this sort of thing. However, when she showed me her Grid (not a euphemism hehe) (I don’t know why I wrote that; it doesn’t sound anything like a euphemism), it was all really specific and achievable stuff she wanted to do rather than, you know, Drink More Water or Acquire Lots Of Muscular Gains.
On her list was stuff like ‘go to [name of winery I wrote down but autocorrect changed it to Pigeons which can’t be what it’s called, so I’ll never know]’ or ‘have a spa day on your own’ or ‘try a spin class’ or ‘walk to the next town over’ or whatever. I’ve made some of those up because I can only remember the vibe rather than the specifics, but you get the idea.
I see lots of people doing exciting things, such as my friend who went on a pilgrimage across the Middle East. Or another friend who is currently travelling across Scandinavia with her sister. I like the idea of doing exciting things but my brain is very ‘yes, great, yessssss, great decision, gosh this going wel - HOW DID YOU POSSIBLY THINK THAT WAS THE BUS TO GET ON??? THAT’S A BOAT’ etc, so I end up sticking to what I know.
I walk my dog the same route in case another route isn’t as nice.
I wear black every day because I can’t be bothered catching sight of myself in a mirror and realising I look like someone threw up on me.
I go to the same cafe to get my coffee and the same restaurants for dinner.
When I booked an airbnb last year to stay in Bristol to write, I went to the three pubs I knew and got Deliveroo the rest of the time in case it said on Google a restaurant was open but it was in fact closed. It wasn’t til I got home I realised I could have, for example, ‘rung them to check’. I am quoting my partner here.
In other words I’m becoming so stuck in my ways that the concept of being stuck in a rut actually feels quite exotic and different.
So I’ve been challenging myself, with varying degrees of success. Sometimes it works, like when I cycled around Rome despite avoiding cycling for my entire adult life, and absolutely loved it, and sometimes it doesn’t, like when I tried to learn to drive and had to stop learning to drive due to the psychological distress it was causing me and everyone around me. Including the driving instructor. And probably the car.
The driving thing set me back quite a lot - I’ve noticed myself retreating more and more into my rutty ways since my last lesson about a year ago when I drove the wrong way around a roundabout (A MINI ONE, I DIDN’T SEE IT WAS A ROUNDABOUT OKAY) after running a stop sign (yeah alright that was bad).
The Grid, however, is the perfect way to increase one’s confidence. I’m giving you examples of my own issues, but maybe you feel like you don’t get to do as much fun stuff with friends anymore! Maybe you want to do more fun stuff alone! Maybe you want to rediscover a hobby you used to love! Maybe you’re just stuck in a rut and want to shake things up a bit, one square on The Grid at a time! Maybe you don’t give a shit about any of this and that’s also fine.
Also, we’re at the six month mark so it’s perfect for people who didn’t get round to setting new year’s resolutions. Or who forgot to do them. Or who, to use an example off the top of my head, arranged a new year’s resolution ceremony for their family where everyone wrote down one thing they’d like to let go - which they burned - and one thing they’d like to achieve - which they kept- but got so involved in making sure everyone had a pen and a small candle, they realised three months later they’d burned the word ‘confidence’ and the little bit of paper on their desk reads ‘being afraid’.
The ones I’ve thought of, if you need inspiration, are:
Take the dog for a really long walk that incorporates that nice cafe you’ve been meaning to go to but haven’t because it’s a really long walk away and you can’t drive.
Book a writing retreat again and eat at a different restaurant every night. Not Wagamama ffs. Not that there’s anything wrong with Wagamama, it’s just I go there all the time. And Pho. The other day I went to a screening in Dalston which, if you don’t know London, is full of incredible little restaurants and bars and cafes and my friend wanted to meet up beforehand so was like ‘where are you’ and I had no choice but to reveal I was in Nando’s having a beanie pitta. There isn’t a word for when someone is surprised to find out that their friend is culinarily disappointing, but there should be. Anyway, I want to start supporting small independent businesses.
Take the dog with me on at least one leg of the tour, like one of those free and easygoing people who don’t think things like ‘what if there’s a fire in the hotel and nobody knows the dog is in there and she dies’ and ‘what if she’s escapes the room and is so scared not knowing where she is that she eats a concierge’.
Go for a really fancy afternoon tea (I fucking love afternoon tea. Might write about that next week actually)
Bingewatch an entire series on a Tuesday (this is because I always feel like I should be doing proactive things on weekdays)
Go to a petting zoo and perhaps feed a donkey?
Go on a walking holiday where I walk for ages and stay in little B&Bs. This is a precursor to going inter-railing which I’ve always wanted to do but am worried I’ll go the wrong way or fall asleep right at the bit where there’s a nice view.
ALL VERY ACHIEVABLE.
I completed number one yesterday, actually. Walked an hour to the cafe, it only did seafood, so walked an hour back and had lunch at the cafe I always go to. But that’s not the point!!!! The point is I tried!!!!!
Before I go, here’s a little roundup of some things you can hear/see me on/in:
Talked about crushes on Margaret Cabourn-Smith’s podcast Crushed
Reviewed pigeons and bunches of flowers on Rachel Parris and Marcus Brigstocke’s podcast How Was It For You
Was on Episode 4 of The Horne Section TV Show and they’ve released the song I recorded on their album on Spotify! The songs are all so funny and brilliant. Have a listen.
As ever tickets for my UK tour are here.
BYE BYE x
hi loved this. took inspiration from you and just booked a ticket to your Cambridge gig because I've always wanted to be that cool person who goes to a comedy gig by themselves so I did it. plus it'll be the day before I turn 31 so it feels like it fits.
First thing I read after failing to wake from a "power nap". Well, I did eventually wake up – thank God! – but look at the time. A mid-year goals grid is an excellent plan.
You left Taskmaster off your list of current stuff, but maybe you assume we all know, or maybe you filmed it so long ago that you've forgotten. Number one on my grid for tonight, anyway. Loving this series!