30 Comments
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Watch The Guitar's avatar

I did that with my passport once, within minutes of giving up and calling to say I couldn’t attend a conference when I noticed a passport looking thing in the place I always keep my passport.

Don’t have a history of losing stuff though, just mild panic when I think I may have lost it.

The phrase “couldn’t see it for looking” comes to mind.

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Stevie Martin's avatar

Oh man I once called the passport office to get a new passport cos it had expired, paid the fee, then realised I’d dreamt my passport had expired. They did not give me the fee back.

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Sarah Terry's avatar

Ah, but have you ever dropped a phone in a jug of gravy while it's charging? Or attempted to put a whole kettle into the microwave to heat the water in it, only stopping because said kettle is too big to fit through the microwave opening?

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Stevie Martin's avatar

hahahaha no but only because i rarely make gravy and my kettle is massive - but i feel you. i feeeeel youuuuu.

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Adam's avatar

Ah, the life of the classic scatterbrain. I once spent quite a long time franticly searching for my "lost" ipod - my precious, beloved ipod - becoming more and more panicked... all while disembodied music played in my ears.

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Stevie Martin's avatar

Hahahaha

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Andy's avatar

Few things are worse that the cold blind panic the occurs when keys, phone, cards etc are lost. Patting pockets and desperately recalling where you visited. I often thought about buying one of those key finders. But then if you lose your phone where the app is based, how's it going to work? Dragons Den moment....

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Vaila black's avatar

I once lost keys for a very fancy car hire on holiday- mass panic/ car parking security and cameras all alerted. Looking everywhere/ checked everywhere - had mental breakdown... found them in a zippy bit of my bag... which I had checked 3 million times...

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Stevie Martin's avatar

I’ve gone boiling hot reading this.

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Vaila black's avatar

i genuinely thought I would die ... and to this day when i lose anything - its always "have you checked the zippy bit" - zippy bits have a lot to answer for in my life...

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Lauren Ipsom's avatar

Slight tangent but beware of ‘damp proofing’ and all the chemical injecting nonsense they try and sell you. Your note of ‘stones’ is actually spot on (make a proper French drain and top with stones! Don’t ‘seal’ or inject bricks with anything or use cement) 😎

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Stevie Martin's avatar

Ohhh god I’d love to do a French drain but we’re on the road so I don’t think it’s possible - I will be wary of these chemical situations though!!

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Wendy Varley's avatar

Sympathies, Stevie. Very funny, but must be infuriating.

My puzzle is why your newsletter arrives in my email inbox but doesn’t show up on my subscriptions on the app, when it’s meant to do both. It’ll probably have been there all the time if I look again.

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Wendy Varley's avatar

Oh, and it IS there, now I’ve looked again. Was it there all along, like your keys?!

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Stevie Martin's avatar

Oh god maybe substack is becoming more algorithm-y and only showing certain things??

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Wendy Varley's avatar

It’s showed up in my list now, Stevie! Really wondering whether I just wasn’t looking properly before!

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Stephen D Forman's avatar

I appreciate you pronouncing parable the Greek way. I heard you, even if others didn't.

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El's avatar

Many years ago I reported my car stolen and it turned out I'd just lost it in the massive car park 🤦🏻‍♀️

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Heera Singh's avatar

Since the bag never moved from it's usual place, Its the bag that lost you rather than you losing the bag

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Kath Baird's avatar

I’ve put petrol into a diesel car not once, not twice, but three times. The last time I didn’t even tell my husband but called the garage and pretended I just had an extra long meeting while they drained it. And every time I filled the tank to the brim because of course I did 👍

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Kodiak's avatar

As an actual weapons grade oaf, I will point out if it wasn't extremely common to lose your keys, we wouldn't need key racks, key bowls and numerous other key locating services, on top of the numerous key duplication or key bypass or key creating services. But it does make for a funny post.

Also your art work is a masterpiece? for it does in fact mimic yourself in real life as demonstrated here: https://imgur.com/a/lmGwtO6

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Kodiak's avatar

ALSO, you know those squat toilets found across most of the developing world? Absolute nightmare fuel to drop your phone/keys/wallet into one of those, on top of possibly toppling onto into all the mess.

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Stevie Martin's avatar

AGHHH oh god yes that would be hell

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Tim's avatar

This whole thing rings some serious bells for me and I've similarly built systems to prevent my oaf from RUINING EVERYTHING. I also got an actual ADHD diagnosis (but before it was cool) and they gave me nice brain pills that do really help when I have to fill in a form or remember what it was I just left the house to do. The greatest benefit of the pills though, is that my poor partner doenst have to spend so much time dealing with a well meaning but otherwise chaotic and unreliable spouse. This is just my experience and I hear the UK system for getting a script is not great but getting medicated has been a life changer for me 🙂.

Also, on a more immediately practical note, thought about putting apple tags on keys and bag?

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Mike Cooper's avatar

I constantly employ the Three Pat Pocket System™ - which is patting pockets three times to check I have my wallet, keys and phone. When I'm driving, my phone is in a holder because I am using it to navigate and the keys are in the ignition, because I'M DRIVING, and the amount of times I have almost shat myself when I pat my pockets and only my wallet is there is insane! I'm almost 50, Lynn!

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reni 🦌's avatar

once found someone's small chic cabin bag (fully open, stacked with 100s of euros and their passport) in a toilet cubicle, and i spiralled so fast and so hard at the thought, just the thought, of what if this had happened to me that i had to call a friend while i was sobbing to ask them what i should do to help this person because reunited with their valuables, while i was still locked in (by choice) the toilet cubicle

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Jamie Green's avatar

Thanks I think we can all learn from that. I was in a real-life fable once where I lost my wallet, the moral of it was - don't cancel your bank cards until you've checked down the side of the sofa.

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