things that have made me laugh

some escapism amid the horrors etc

Sorry if you’re getting a double email - it’ll never happen again, I just wrote something about being offline for the weekend, then went back online only to read everything on Trump’s inauguration in one go and decided to replace the long thing with something short and purely silly. This week isn’t about long things, okay? For once in our goddamn lives let’s break free from the shackles of things that are long.

Anyway look, here are five things (not long) that made me laugh a lot this week.

Just realised it’s Tuesday, so this is quite a big ask unless yesterday was fucking hilarious (which it wasn’t). Alright, let’s broaden it out to include last week as well. It’s also worth noting that some of these could be Had To Be There Things but how am I meant to judge that considering I was there and I’m writing this on my own? I guess just decide for yourself.

Also please PLEASE feel free to add your own in the comments. Would really enjoy that. I’ll even allow Long Things, provided they made you laugh.

ONE

I went for a meeting with my manager hahahahahaha sorry no, there’s more. The meeting was all about me going on tour with my live show ‘clout’ - no that’s not it either - and the most recent poster looks like this:

After looking at this poster my manager said ‘I do think for the tour we should zoom out for the regions’. I mean come on, you just don’t hear phrases like ‘zoom out for the regions’ often enough in my opinion. I think I barked bits of plum across the room (There was a bowl of fruit on the table, ‘I barked plum across the room’ isn’t some kind of northern colloquialism).

In other news, do bear in mind the tour will be announced later in the year, there are three pre-tour shows in March with tickets still available, and it’ll take every molecule of my being not to rename the tour show ‘Stevie Martin Zooms Out For The Regions’.

TWO

I am filming something next month and want to look ripped so decided to not do any exercise and make protein pancakes once. On Saturday I had a go and they turned out like this:

Yes, they look like hot sick but I’ll have you know they actually also tasted of hot sick. This was because I misread the ingredients and put a tablespoon of bicarbonate of soda in there when the recipe asked for a teaspoon of baking powder. While I’ll admit that the misunderstanding of ‘tsp’ and ‘tbsp’ contributed to the flavour and, dare I say, plumpness of these ‘pancakes’, I will not be learning from my mistakes because the difference between bicarbonate of soda and baking powder is, and remains, none of my business.

THREE

I stayed up scrolling Tiktok (please insert some joke about being spied on by the Chinese government or whatever) last Wednesday, brain going like the clappers, double-time twitch in my right eye and bought two miniature USB karaoke machines for £3.

After buying the karaoke machine I couldn’t justify any more purchases, so in an uncharacteristically healthy move, compiled a phone note at 5am of items to buy on Tiktok shop the next day if they still felt necessary.

When I opened the phone note the following morning, this is what I had written:

Ignoring the fact that the only legible item on this list is ‘Medicine global collagen mask’ which, when you search for it, doesn’t exist - I’ve come to the conclusion that ‘lip ,(overnight’ means whatever you want it to mean.

For example: ‘Hey babe what’s wrong? You look quite lip ,'(overnight’

Or: ‘IF YOU DON’T GET RIGHT BACK HERE YOUNG MAN I’M GOING TO LIP. ,(OVERNIGHT YOU SO HARD’

Or lip ,(overnight could maybe also help describe that feeling when you have a mouth and it remains with you throughout the hours of 7pm to 7am. Obsessed with that feeling! Wish there was a word for it!

FOUR

My mum told me on the phone today that when my dad comes home late after work and she’s in the kitchen making dinner, she doesn’t hear him come through the door so when he says ‘Hello!’ she screams and throws whatever she’s holding up in the air. Sorry but that’s the sort of thing I can get on board with. Give me a bit more of that in my life please.

Currently trying to work out how to create ambient noise loud enough to not hear my partner when he comes back from taking the dog for a wee so I can do the same. Implying here that I will wet myself, if that wasn’t clear. Feel like there hasn’t been enough references to wetting oneself on this Substack so far (new readers: this is sarcasm, I mention it constantly).

FIVE

A few weeks back I was talking to my nice friend Lou about how I wanted to change the radiators in my house but had no idea who to talk to, so had just been googling ‘radiators’. I find this stuff so boring it' becomes impossible to self-educate, but thankfully she sat me down and explained how she’d done so much research, been through loads of trial and error and had become a bit of a radiator expert so - when the time came - she’d be more than happy to help me.

Anyway I went round yesterday and in two of the rooms she’s accidentally installed doll-sized mini radiators for mice.

Really enjoyed myself here. Also this isn’t sponsored but Lou is so funny and is going on tour so obviously go and buy tickets is it okay if I just copy and paste that sentence Lou or would you like me to change it? Stevie x

Well there we go. Told you it wasn’t a long thing, sorry again for the second email and thrilling to have won the award for ‘Substack Featuring Most Uses Of The Words ‘Long Thing’.